Fertile Crescent Gazette
Haran, Mesopotamia. 2347 B.C., or 1657 years after Adam's creation.
A special report by Ham, editor and publisher of the Fertile Crescent Gazette
Headline: Noah Arrested
Chief of Police Shem yesterday arrested his father, Noah, on charges of gross negligence manslaughter. The flood that decimated the entire known world last year was clearly not preventable. However, some deaths could have been prevented. Noah, who had advance knowledge of the coming of the flood, failed to do everything in his power to save others. His grandfather, Methusaleh, was 969 years old last year but couldn't make it into the Ark because Noah failed to provide suitable access for disabled persons. Noah argued that Methusaleh died before the rains began, but cross-examination of Japheth leads us to conclude that he had conversations with their great-grandfather after the rains started, but before the Ark was sealed.
Our investigation took us back to the top of Mt. Ararat. Examination of the Ark clearly shows that there were no external markings to indicate handicapped access. While there was a small access door at the ground level near the rear of the Ark in addition to the one that we accessed by gangplank, the absence of external markings rendered the presence of this door absolutely useless. As the Ark is a very large structure, it was unreasonable to expect anyone, especially someone who was disabled and panicked due to the rising floodwaters, to find any entrance other than the main gangplank entrance.
Noah's defense attorney (Chief of Police Shem's wife) stated that the ground-level door was not the only additional access and argued that anyone could have grabbed a loose tree trunk or plank to float up to the main entrance three stories up. But this argument has been ruled inadequate.
Sentencing is scheduled for next week. ***
*** Urgent note: As the penalty for such a crime is immediate execution of the perpetrator and his family, it is unlikely that there will be any future issues of "The Fertile Crescent Gazette". It is also unlikely that there will be any future arrests or convictions as Shem, the Chief of Police, and Japheth, the key witness to most goings-on, will no longer be alive. It remains unclear whether there will be anyone left to commit, or be a victim of, a crime. Noah's defense attorney has vowed an appeal, but this will be a delicate matter as Noah appears to be very well connected within the government. Chief of Police Shem has promised to vigorously oppose any process that may be compromised due to corruption at any level.