Trinity in Matrimony
Composed August 24, 2008
Dedicated to my wife, who inspires me, and who has unwittingly been God's voice and vision to me.
Thanks to the following for their ideas and encouragement: Janet, Lynne, Jon, Gene, Arlie, DeAnne, Kelsey, Joy, Nicole, and Shoulian.
Introduction
This essay is about reflection, relationship, and revelation. It's also about two very different institutions, Holy Trinity and Holy Matrimony. Holy Trinity lies outside of our experience, and is little-understood by even the most scholarly among us. Unlike Holy Trinity, Holy Matrimony is well within the experience of most humans, as we are likely to have observed our parents' marriage, or we are married ourselves, or we know many people who are married. Marriage is therefore far better understood by most of us than is Holy Trinity. So we might think. A better understanding of both might reveal that the similarities between the two institutions are far greater than is generally recognized. A careful examination will lead to some startling conclusions.
The Trinity Of God
For those unfamiliar with the term, Holy Trinity refers to the union into a single entity of the three persons of God: God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Holy Trinity is not a triumvirate, a collection of three ruling individuals. In fact, God went to great lengths to distinguish Himself as Trinity from a collection of three gods, as you will know already if you have read On Mandelbrot Sets and the Relevance of the Bible. Holy Trinity is a single God consisting of three inseparable persons. The concept of Holy Trinity is difficult to grasp, no matter how well I might explain it. Its meaning and implications have been studied, debated, and analyzed for centuries, yet it remains a mystery. Berkhof writes in Systematic Theology that "In view of the fact that there are three persons in God, it is better to say that God is personal than to speak of Him as a Person".
To give some flavor of what the Bible has to say about Holy Trinity the most important place to start is at the beginning. Genesis 1:26 says "...Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness... Similarly, Genesis 11:7 "Come, let Us go down and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another's speech." The use of the plural "us" in refrence to God should not be lost on anyone. Later, God revealed an essential element of His identity when Moses inquired of Him in Exodus 3:14: And God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM." The words used communicate that God is the self-existent One, the One Who was not created. Jesus, while speaking to the Pharisees, is quoted in John 8:58: "Before Abraham was born, I AM." Any confusion as to the precise meaning in this passage is erased in the following verses, where John states that the Pharisees took up stones to stone Jesus for His apparent blasphemy. Jesus referenced God's words to Moses, and stated that He (Jesus) is the One-Who-was-not-created. John begins his Gospel in John 1:1 by drawing a clear connection between Jesus and the original creation: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." Jesus is the Word, clearly from the context in John 1, so we see that Jesus was with God in the beginning, and Jesus was (is) God. There is clear distinction, and clear unity. So as not to confuse Jesus with God-in-total, Jesus states in John 6:38: "For I have come down from heaven not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me." Thus, Jesus Himself was sent by the Father, and Jesus' role is to do the will of the Father. The distinction and unity are confusing, seemingly unlike anything else in our experience. Many more passages in both the Old and New Testaments mention Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in one form or another, but I will not quote or list such passages here, because even in their quantity they do not enable great comprehension of God as tri-unity. In order to comprehend Trinity, one must first relax one's grip on perfect reason. We can comprehend without complete understanding. Don't allow a desire for complete understanding and consistency to prevent you from comprehending. Mystery is allowed. However, improved understanding should come if you read on.
Once one accepts the mystery of the composition of Trinity a worthwhile concern arises. Since there are three Persons in Holy Trinity, how does one distinguish between the Persons or personalities? Generally, one sees God the Father in the role of Architect and Designer, as in Genesis chapter 1. Jesus is recognized as our Redeemer, and as the Word (message, proclamation, information, knowledge of, revelation). The Holy Spirit is seen as Sustainer, Comforter, Advocate, Enlightener, Proclaimer, and Teacher (See John 14-16). Holy Spirit also has a role in creation, as seen in Genesis 1:2: "... and the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the waters." In Matthew 3:16-17 we find all three Persons of the Trinity in one passage: "And after being baptized, Jesus went up immediately from the water; and behold, the heavens were opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending as a dove, and coming upon Him, and behold, a voice out of the heavens, saying, 'This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased." Then in John 13:33 we find "If God is glorified in Him, God will also glorify Him in Himself, and will glorify Him immediately." Then in John 17:4 Jesus says to God the Father: "I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do." Yet again in Matthew after Jesus cured a paralytic, "But when the multitude saw this, they were filled with awe, and glorified God, who had given such authority to men." These activities, or roles, of the Persons of the Trinity offer some useful information. God the Father is architect and designer, God the Son is the communicator of the Father's design, the initiator of actions to fulfill the Father's design, the one who brings salvation and is the Good News of the Holiness of God the Father, while the Holy Spirit is actively among us, protecting us, aiding our understanding of the Father's design, and directing our thoughts toward God the Son. We find repeatedly that God the Father glorifies Jesus, that Jesus glorifies or brings glory to God the Father, that the Holy Spirit works in us through teaching and inspiration so that we can be witness to both God the Father and Jesus, and glorify them in our own lives. Each member of the Trinity works in concert to bring glory to God the Father and to Jesus the Son. Such glory exists without human participation, but the great lengths to which Holy Trinity has gone to enable our participation in God's holiness must not go unnoticed, and should certainly not go unthanked.
For those who require a more scholarly approach and who are interested in reading further, may I suggest:
Knowledge of how we interact with Holy Trinity should aid our understanding, though it will not likely enable complete comprehension of the Three-In-One. So now let us set our sights on Holy Matrimony. Marriage has its own share of mysteries, but perhaps we can do a little better with something more familiar to us.
The Duality Of Marriage
The term duality is most often used to refer to a single substance or entity that has multiple modes of existence or operation. I use the term here to refer to the unity of two persons in marriage without loss of recognition that the unity consists of two parts that were previously separate at some point in time. The unity is perhaps most strikingly apparent when observing the impact on the parties when they are separated. Loss of a spouse to death is devastating to the one who remains. Even loss through willful separation, such as divorce, is traumatic. However, in spite of such unity the two retain much of their individuality for their entire time together.
Marriage is typically seen as the core of the family unit. A man and a woman fall in love, get married, and have children (usually). Life is hard, and raising children adds to that difficulty. The happy story is that the couple are supportive of each other, they encourage one another, and their intimacy deepens. As a result of trust and established lines of communication, their mutual understanding flourishes. They share, and respect each other deeply. Together and with each other they have confidence, peace, and satisfaction. Reality, however, is often that one or both cracks under life's great stress, or that selfishness, jealousy, and betrayal take center stage and demolish the relationship. Alternatively, or additionally, the deep familiarity exposes each other's faults, and these faults are sometimes too great for the other party to tolerate or forgive.
A successful marriage is successful for many reasons. The couple typically have a set of common interests for which they spend time together and become more familiar with each other. Diverse interests allow each member to become familiar with the other by experiencing new things (discovery) and by seeing how the couple interacts when one member is in his or her domain. Complementary traits allow the partners to decide which member is best capable of handling whichever of the wide variety of challenges life throws at them. The partners can also accept different roles in the organization, where one might do most of the cooking, another most of the cleaning, or one will handle business, finance, and legal matters, while the other addresses the immediate needs of any children that they might have. And with roles comes accountability and expectations. Depending on how well each member satisfies the roles which they have taken, expectations will lead to failures, failures to withholding of information, and thus to competition and selfishness. From there it leads to attempts to gain primacy in the relationship, and thence to challenges to that primacy. Where two wills exist, and one challenges the other, the end result is that there is a victor and a vanquished, or worse, a very long and bitter struggle. Under many conditions, if one will does not challenge the other the relationship can easily become one of master to slave. It is not unusual to find that the more a couple seeks equality with each other, the sooner failures in "the contract" occur, and thus begin the efforts to assume primacy. This assumption of primacy may be well-meaning, in which one partner attempts to fill in for the other's weaknesses, or may occur out of frustration with the other's failures, or may be a sort of declaration that such failures on the part of one provide authorization for the other to assume command, the assumption being that if the right person is in charge, then such failures will not occur again. In marriage, any agreement that seeks to protect or establish the rights of the individuals is a step towards the failure of that agreement, and therefore a step toward the failure of the marriage itself. Even in a well-functioning marriage it is easy to succumb to the natural human tendency to seek primacy in a duality. In Holy Trinity there is no issue of primacy; the members work together with utmost cohesion.
The duality leads to competition between two wills, and the stronger will dominates. But in Holy Trinity the most common manifestation of the relationship is that each member defers to, or glorifies, the others. This sort of deferral to, or glorification of, another is akin to humility. Imagine God as humble! More precisely, it is each member of the Trinity who is humble. In a duality even a slight shift of power or authority can cause a long-term imbalance in the relationship. Far too often a duality operates as a zero-sum game, in which anything gained by one party is obtained at the expense of the other.
It is natural in a duality to expect equal sharing of both benefit and responsibility. It is also natural to believe that one has contributed 50% when in fact the contribution has been much less. A situation that involves right and wrong often allows a sense of superiority to enter the relationship. If one party was wronged by the other then an understanding of debt and debtor enters the relationship. For a real or perceived breach of contract it is only natural to seek recourse against the violator. But in a trinity an error on the part of one does not allow another to assume or achieve superiority, and a wrong done is not so much directed toward another person of the trinity, as against the trinity itself. Balance is maintained because humility is maintained, and arrogance is left outside the relationship.
Reflection in the Water
A reflection is not the object that is being reflected. Most reflections are sufficiently poor so that no mistake can be made between the real object and its reflection. A reflection can only enlighten us to a subset of the characteristics and attributes of the thing that is being reflected. Most often the thing that reflects is more than simply the reflection, having its own unique attributes that further differentiate it from the thing being reflected.
What does one do when one sees a reflection? The process begins when the brain first detects a single similarity between two objects. Most often, the brain determines that only one or two insignificant similarities exist, and then moves on to other more important matters. Sometimes, however, as the brain begins cataloguing the similarities and dissimilarities it finds what it considers significant. Then one's eyes alternate between the reflection and the thing being reflected, and the cataloguing concludes when the similarities and dissimilarities are sufficently complete to satisfy the observer's objectives.
Holy Trinity is a mystery for certain, a mystery that can set one's head spinning if one makes a concerted effort to understand it. We don't always need to understand a thing perfectly in order to use it or appreciate it or benefit from it in some way. Water, to a chemist, is quite a remarkable substance due to its possession of several unusual physical and chemical properties. Most of us, however, are so familiar with water that we don't care to understand those attributes that the chemist finds so fascinating. We care mostly that water can quench our thirst and clean our bodies and clothes, not that it has a high heat capacity or remarkable capabilities as a solvent. I believe that God is Trinity not so much to confuse us by what it means for Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to be One God, as to cause us to ask questions about relationships, and to understand relationships in the ways that they reflect each other. Study of the presence of God in marriage may shed light on both the institution of Holy Trinity and that of Holy Matrimony. Refer again to Genesis 1:26: "...Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness..." This passage is customarily used during examination of similarities between God and a single human being. I don't believe that it should be restricted to this usage. On what grounds is this passage limited to single humans, when God is Trinity? Careful consideration of our own state should identify ways in which marriage itself is a reflection of Holy Trinity, and that this reflection is not simply a union of two reflecting a union of three, but a Trinity in Matrimony in which wife, husband, and God together reflect Holy Trinity. I have seen reference to marriage as a reflection of Holy Trinity in the sense that the three members are husband, wife, and children, but I have not before seen the concept treated as I present it here.
The reflection of which I am writing is about the structure, nature, and depth of the relationships of Holy Trinity and Trinity and Matrimony. The structure under discussion here is trinity, the one-ness of three persons. The essential nature is that of holiness of each member of the trinity. The depth is about intimacy and passion. We understand the nature of spouse through the holiness of God. We understand the depth of God through intimacy with spouse. Understanding the structure of trinity both precedes and follows our understanding of its nature and depth.
What is the essence of Holy Trinity? One will observe love, compassion, forgiveness, selflessness, dependability, and passion, among others, in Holy Trinity. But the most distinguishing element can be observed from a visit to Bible Tools. Search for the text "glorified God", and then be amazed at the results. The members of Holy Trinity each give glory to the other members. To glorify another means to acknowledge and communicate the other's holiness and goodness. Glorification of another is humility and respect and love and passion all rolled into one as a response to the other's holiness. The end result of these virtues is a relationship that is strong, cohesive, intimate, and completely fulfilling. Recognizing the essential holiness of Holy Trinity, and then seeing our own Trinity in Matrimony as a reflection of Holy Trinity, allows us to grasp the importance of holiness in our own trinity.
What is the essence of Trinity in Matrimony? My wife and I pray and worship together, so God has always been a part of our marriage, and we were trinity long before we recognized it. Our relationship to each other has been deep and tender almost since the day we met, having grown imperceptibly from mere friendship to great heights and depths in ways that I still do not understand. One of our greatest delights is the satisfaction that comes from sharing. I share my food with her because I can. I share my deepest thoughts and feelings with her because I can. Thus, the essence of our own Trinity in Matrimony is intimacy, and the recognition that this intimacy extends to our relationships to God was astounding.
One cannot easily recognize how holiness applies to husband and wife without first understanding that matrimony is a trinity. Nor can one easily recognize the intimacy that belongs to our own relationship with God without that same understanding. Thus, the reflection of Holy Trinity in Holy Matrimony must be conceived prior to these revelations, yet the extent of this reflection cannot be grasped until the essential elements of each trinity are applied to the other.
If marriage is indeed a reflection of Holy Trinity, then one would expect to find similar or parallel features, without the disadvantages of a duality. Love, compassion, forgiveness, selflessness, dependability, passion, intimacy, and balance in relationship should be evident, without the oppressive concepts of contract and primacy that pervade a duality. A Trinity is constructive, such that benefit obtained by one is shared by the others. In fact, the greatest benefits seem to come from the strengthening of the relationship between two of the parties, which propagates to relationships between those two parties and the other. Our roles in Trinity in Matrimony are to proclaim, give glory to, and elevate the other members. How is it that anyone can or should glorify you or me, given that we are nothing more than human beings? One hint appears in Matthew 25:40: "The king will answer them, 'Truly I tell you, in that you did it for one of the least important of these my brothers, you did it for me.'" This is derived holiness. Jesus has imparted His own holiness to us and those around us. It is for this reason that sins against our fellow human beings are so abominable. If we recognize God's holiness in our spouse, and treat our spouse accordingly, we are in some sense practicing how to treat God, the other member of our Trinity in Matrimony.
How does one recognize Trinity in Matrimony? How does one respond to it? Does it happen automatically, or must it be cultivated? The reflection is always present, but the waters may be more, or less, muddied. Like a muscle, it must be exercised in order to grow. We are created in God's image, so we are a Trinity in Matrimony whether we recognize it or not. My wife has been the most significant contributor to my own understanding of Trinity in Matrimony. Like most people, getting married for me was a gateway to more than a few surprises. Fortunately, most of the surprises turned out quite well. I discovered that my life's partner was more attentive, consistent, dependable, perceptive, compassionate, affectionate, and intense than I had previously realized. She opened my eyes to many things that I knew by concept, but which I never before understood. Early in our marriage she invaded my space. At first I felt threatened, even frightened by her closeness. But she wasn't being nosy, nor controlling, as I later discovered. She was lovingly intrusive, and simply wanted to be as near to me as humanly possible. I saw also that she was willing to sacrifice herself for me without a moment's hesitation. God wants to be frighteningly intimate with us. Jesus sacrificed His life for us, an act that I used to view with sadness and thankfulness, but also with detachment. But how can I remain detached when He did this out of His passion for relationship with us, not because of some contract written in stone which He was obliged to follow. In fact, it was the stone contract (Ten Commandments) that He overthrew by His death and resurrection! If you notice a parallel between comparison of Trinity in Matrimony to a duality, and comparison of the law that Jesus writes on our hearts to the Ten Commandments, then you understand what I am writing about. The passion involved in sacrificing one's life for another does not come lightly, and must not be taken lightly. Such passion is frightening in part because of the sense of impossible obligation that it conveys.
I have provided some background on the Holy Trinity, and highlighted several characteristics of marriage with which many of my readers can identify. As I observed God's presence in my life through His presence in my wife, I began to realize that my wife and I were not alone in our marriage. The human mind is capable of extrapolation, of identifying consequences and implications of actions and patterns. Thus, through my relationship with my wife I have identified features that are lacking in my relationship with God, and through my relationship with God I have identified what is missing in my relationship with my wife. I came to see our marriage as a Trinity in Matrimony, a reflection of the Holy Trinity.
How does the Holy Trinity fit in as the third person in matrimony? Husband and wife each has a personal relationship with Holy Trinity, but they have a joint relationship as well. What is good or essential about this trinity? How does it help us to understand ourselves, each other, our relationships, and the Holy Trinity? God may be the designer, but all three persons must be initiators and actors. Holy Trinity is vibrantly alive, so must Trinity in Matrimony.
The spectrum and depth of a marriage relationship offers the greatest insight into God's desire for relationship with us. No other relationship can do this, though parent-child can possibly come close.
I want my spouse to listen to me, and I desire to listen to her. So also God wants me to listen to Him, and desires to listen to me. It is only through communication that intimacy is possible, and only through communication that intimacy can be maintained.
God's fierce love for us is not only protective, but adamant, stubborn, proud, and tender. If we do not heed His words and instruction, and therefore put ourselves in danger, He will direct His ferocity towards us.
Holy Trinity has been Trinity since eternity. We marry when our lives are 25% finished. God is an essential trinity, while a marriage is a manufactured trinity. The three persons of Holy Trinity did not have a choice of composition. God's essence is the three persons of Holy Trinity and could not possibly have been any other combination of persons. These persons never existed outside of Holy Trinity. Holy Trinity acts in perfect harmony, while we must learn to cooperate with each other and endure misunderstanding after misunderstanding. Holy Trinity has roles for each member, though I believe that these roles have some overlap. In marriage, we each have strengths and weaknesses, and adapt to roles according to these characteristics. Possibly the most significant role of Holy Trinity is that role shared by each member: glorifying the other members. This is vastly different from some mutual admiration society in which each member of the society compliments the others with the expectation of getting kudos in return. No, the glorification accomplished by each member of the Trinity is glorification out of love for and knowledge of each other. As Holy Spirit glorifies Jesus, or Jesus glorifies the Father, or as the heavens declare God's glory, this is communicated to us so that we might know God's vast love for us, and that we might experience His goodness for our sake.
What does God care of our understanding of Holy Trinity? Probably far less than we imagine. How much does He care about our understanding of Trinity in Matrimony? Tremendously! For Trinity is about relationshp, and relationship with God is the basis for our existence.
Relationship and Revelation
"What then do you call your soul? What idea have you of it? You cannot of yourselves, without revelation, admit the existence within you of anything but a power unknown to you of feeling and thinking." - Voltaire
"The real journey of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. " -Marcel Proust
What is revelation? Frequently, it refers to communication of that which could not be known by any amount of investigation or effort by the person to whom the revelation occurred. As discussed here, it is the communication and understanding of that which was not previously known or recognized. The recipient of the revelation must reach some meaningful and significant understanding based on the revelational information. Often it is the "new eyes" that allow one to finally understand revelational information that has long existed. So, revelation is discovery and understanding, and communication and vision. It is about recognizing, understanding, and seeing God's presence in our lives, and the implications thereof. Once you see Him in your own marriage you will never be able to ignore Him again.
How can revelation come through relationship? What is revealed about us? about God? about Life? What can be revealed? I believe that it is through deep relationships that revelation is accomplished. In an intimate marriage the partners can share with each other the thoughts and feelings that lie hidden deep within them, and these thoughts can be understood because of the effectiveness of existing and familiar lines of communication. Do you wonder why God has revealed so little to you? You will have no revelation if you cannot sense God. You must be able to see, hear, feel, taste, or otherwise perceive Him, or revelation cannot occur.
Communication enables and maintains the intimacy of a relationship. Communication is bi-directional. It requires humility and initiative, and it must not fail due to intimidation.
How many of you, when choosing your spouse, carefully developed a list of essential characteristics and evaluated this list against your own strengths and weaknesses and your own psychological profile? I did, inasmuch as I was able to do so. But when I met "Miss Right" I quickly threw away my list because "Miss Right" and my list had almost nothing in common. You should do the same... with God. Don't decide what God should or should not be and then set out in search of Him. Meet God, and toss out your list, because for most of you He will not fit your expectations, but once you've met Him you must never let go.
What is revealed about us and our surroundings through our relationship with God?
Beyond this, the possibilities are endless for what you might learn about your spouse through relationship with God, about God through relationship with your spouse, and about yourself through relationship with God and spouse in your own Trinity in Matrimony.
Micah 6:8 is one of the most concise statements about our role in this world that you will find in the Bible: "...and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?" What you find in this brief passage is a description of God's design for our relationships with others and with Him. To "do justly" means to treat others fairly, which is an action that we are expected to take. To "love mercy" is also translated "love kindness", and this speaks to the attitude that we should have towards others, and what our desires should be. To "walk humbly with thy God" is both action ("walk") and attitude ("humbly"). "Walk with God" is a term of some importance in the Old Testament, as we find when reading about Enoch in Genesis 5:24: And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him. Then again, in reference to Noah, in Genesis 6:9: These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God. So, the action of "walking with God" represents the existence of a very special and intimate relationship.
One of the great benefits of Trinity in Matrimony is that of propagating elements of relationship with God to relationship with spouse, and then applying elements of relationship with spouse to relationship with God. Trinity in Matrimony is patterned after Holy Trinity. God does not reflect us, but we sometimes reach understanding of God through understanding of our own relationships.
What does Trinity in Matrimony reveal to us about God?
Until I got married I didn't realize the depths of my own inadequacy. My wife loves me even though she knows me. She loves me even when I don't love myself. Such is God's love. Be humble when someone puts you at the center of their world.
The purpose of apology and forgiveness is restoration of a damaged relationship. Forgiveness: When one person wrongs another and humbly acknowledges his or her mistake before the one who was offended. The offended one then raises up the one who has apologized and declares the relationship as restored. Real forgiveness is no less difficult than real apology. Forgiveness and apology have not occurred unless relationship has been restored. Why do we apologize or grant forgiveness? To restore the relationship. Understanding of forgiveness is an element of this revelation. The joy we have as husband and wife when forgiveness restores our relationship is similar to the joy we should have between us and God when forgiveness restores our relationship with Him. Forgiveness is an essential element of a committed relationship. We must learn it, or part company.
We are not "OK" or "in the clear" just because Jesus has forgiven us. Our apology is essential. Apology need not precede forgiveness, but both are necessary for restoration of relationship. Jesus gave His life to restore a broken relationship. Our apology is required to complete the restoration. Note that apology is not a matter of beating one's breast in anguish, or of endless self-deprecation; it is a matter of acknowledging one's part in damaging a relationship, and seeking to repair and restore that relationship.
What revelations should one expect? Holiness of God is a revelation. Holiness of spouse. Intimacy of God (lovingly intrusive), roles instead of primacy. Strength of a trinity. Presence of God. Communication to/from/with God. Joy of discovery (revelation). Understanding of Trinity in Matrimony from Holy Trinity, and understanding of Holy Trinity from Trinity in Matrimony. Don't need to be like Adam and Eve, who hid from God because they feared He would stop loving them because they had sinned. That was shallow thinking, because God actively seeks to restore relationship between Him and us. He loves us even though He knows us. (reference to Is Knowing Loving?). My wife is a joy to know, and my desire is to know her more deeply with each passing year. God is not distant, but very near. Near enough and deep enough for us to know Him better each year. Humility is also a type of revelation.
How do we respond to Relationship and Trinity? The entire world is about relationship of each person to other parts of God's creation and to God Himself. Until we recognize the fact that is broadcast to us each and every day of our lives, and then act on this recognition by participating in, but not dominating, these relationships, our lives and our world will remain dysfunctional.
How does Holiness fit into marriage and Trinity? Since God is holy, and God is present in your spouse, how can you see your spouse as other than holy? Right relationship with each other depends on right relationship with God. Without God in marriage one cannot hold a proper view of one's spouse. Either one will elevate the spouse to the level of God, or one will take the place of God relative to the spouse. Or worse yet, one will see both members of the marriage as unloved and unlovable. See your spouse as part of God's creation, and as one loved by God. If you hold God as Holy, how can you then see your spouse as other than sacred? (see The Forgotten Holy). Part of God's statement on Holy is "Be ye holy for I am holy." This is command. If spouse is holy, so must you be holy. Be humble, because your own holiness is derived from God. Marriage is one of the most humbling experiences that life has to offer. Life begins with restoration of relationship. Where will your life go from there?
Loose Ends
I'd like to conclude here and go merrily on my way after tying everything neatly in a box. Unfortunately, relationshps are never simple. Those of you who aren't married have hopefully read this far, and may now have something more to look forward to in the future. Those who are unhappily married might see this as encouragement, as a vision of what might be. Those who are divorced may be saddened by sight of what they never had. Those who are widowed may find hope and consolation by reading the reamining few paragraphs. And finally, I recognize the existence of damaged relationships where the desired relationship differs between the two parties, and the existence of broken relationships in which at least one party has no desire to reconcile. What of these? I cannot say. But for all who can identify with any of these categories, and especially those who are experiencing the joys of Trinity in Matrimony, please read on.
The concept of Trinity in Matrimony has huge implications for choosing a spouse. Your spouse will be your window to God, and you will be his/her window. You can't live up to the responsibility of being a window to God, nor can your spouse, so be humble from the beginning. Plan for Trinity in Matrimony before you marry!
What of those who do not marry? Are they left to never know God to the same depth that one who is married can possibly know Him? The Apostle Paul advised people to stay single in light of what he perceived was the imminent return in glory of Jesus Christ: I Corinthians 7:8 "I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I." Would he advise a course of action that might steer people to miss the greatest intimacy that we can have with God? I don't have an answer, though I suspect that one who is unmarried has the opportunity to pursue God with great dedication and energy, and this can lead to a very joyous immersion and intimacy with God.
In a difficult marriage, when the couple cannot hold on to each other, can each person hold on to God, like hydrogen atoms bound to oxygen in a water molecule? If restoration is possible then apply what is mentioned earlier about forgiveness and apology, which don't have a required order of occurrence, and both of which are typically required of each party in a human relationship.
How many of you have witnessed, or even experienced, the devastation brought about by the loss of a person's spouse? Have you felt, or can you imagine, the stabbing loneliness, the gasping for breath as you attempt to deal with such loss, the dreaded mornings when daylight arrives and the nightmare from which you desperately hoped to awake stares at you from the vacant space in your bed where your spouse used to sleep? How does one survive this sort of trauma? By remembering that the marriage is a trinity. By trusting that the Holy Trinity remains present in your life. By realizing that your spouse is now partaking of the presence of the Holy Trinity in ways that you have not yet experienced, and that he or she is gone from your presence, but not gone from the Trinity in Matrimony.
The importance of fidelity both before and during the relationship should not be underestimated. Fidelity is a quiet, consistent declaration that one wishes to sustain and grow the relationship. God is a jealous God. He doesn't want us ever to place other gods before Him, because He so greatly desires an intimate relationship with us. Infidelity breaks that relationship. The holiness and significance of the type of relationship that we find in Trinity in Matrimony is not one that is suitable for playing with, or for trial and error. Treat the relationship as holy before you get into it.
Have we reached some startling conclusions? I believe we have.
God is Trinity. Marriage as duality is inadequate and incomplete. Marriage properly reflects Holy Trinity as Trinity in Matrimony. Through the relationships in Trinity in Matrimony we can develop a better understanding of God, spouse, self, and ultimately many others with whom we come in contact. Through our own Trinity in Matrimony we gain proper perspective of the value of others and the relationships we have with them and with God. We can look beyond our pride, see the holiness of others, and enthusiastically seek growth and restoration of our relationships.